So, because I am a slacker, I watched what I assumed to be the great majority of Batman & Robin on TV this weekend. Alex then informed that I had, in fact, missed about 40 minutes of exposition, in which we learned the sad tale of Mr. Freeze’s frozen wife and also that Alicia Silverstone’s character was supposed to be a computer student at “Oxbridge.”

I don’t need to tell you that it was a terrible movie in every way, and that it ruined a couple of careers (Silverstone, O’Donnell) and was a huge setback in others (Clooney, Thurman*). What surprised me was how bizarre its politics are. The villains are both crazy scientists who privilege their selfish, cold (LITERALLY!) science over people. “People come first,” Bruce Wayne heavy-handedly tells Poison Ivy’s secret identity.

Plus there’s this weird plot line where Barbara (future Batgirl), who is Alfred’s niece in this version, is all “I want to save Alfred from his horrible life of servitude,” because you know, she is a flaky liberal and thinks rich people are bad and exploitive. But of course, Alfred isn’t like that. He’s like family and wouldn’t dream of doing anything other than living out his twilight years doing laundry for some rich superheroes. Saying that her elderly uncle who is in failing health might want to retire from his butling job instead of picking up after rich punsters forever obviously makes her a commie. It’s bizarre, in the way that any thing where the servants are members of the family is bizarre.

Also, though she is a badass motorcycle racing judo practitioning hot blonde computer geek**, Batgirl doesn’t have the wherewithal to just make herself a superhero, she kind of has to stumble onto the batcave. This is is stark contrast to the TV series Batgirl, who was a spunky librarian who had her own secret spinny-wall thing and her whole secret identity was separate from Batman and Robin. And a wicked theme song! She was a ’60s-style independent, DIY woman.

So, anti-science, pro-rich-people-having-servants, and…disappointing in its portrayal of women, having somehow moved backwards in 30 years?

Aren’t you so glad that you have me to cover pressing issues like how bad the George Clooney Batman is? Blogging is totally poised to replace conventional journalism any minute now. Whatever, it’s essay-writing season.

I’m pretty sure that when he is hanging out with Steven Soderbergh and Brad Pitt in his house in Italy, they throw on the DVD, skip to the part where Clooney says “The heat is on, Mr. Freeze,” and laugh and laugh and laugh.

Then George probably makes Brad watch all of Meet Joe Black.

*Granted, she also made the almost-as-brutal The Avengers and was married to Ethan Hawke, so I don’t think we can totally blame her stagey delivery of plant-based puns.

**How awesome are her hacking skillz? She cracks Alfred’s password by randomly guessing stuff like: “Alfred” and “Wayne.”