If I was going to have a threesome with a movie star, I would probably want to do it to this white girl cover of this hip hop song.

Whatever You Like – Anya Marina

However, it’s not like this season of Gossip Girl didn’t have much to love. The part where Serena turned kind of bitchy for about two seconds after her and Dan’s first break-up, because it’s nice to see girl grow some backbone (also on display in the later on with the whole trying to get the money back after she helped her boyfriend scam everyone at her building out of cash and then even in the finale with the whole attempt to end the vicious reign of Gossip Girl). Chuck and Vanessa boning, even though that never really went anywhere. The whole Age of Innocence episode, which was so meta that it basically all but explained the entire artistic programme of the show, except if they were being really explicit they would have talked about new technologies and how much they’re revising the whole idea of privacy. Jenny’s runaway fashion career with a crazy teen model was wonderful, because it was a storyline in a television show (ostensibly*) aimed at teen girls that was about a really talented teen girl who put on a really awesome guerilla fashion show, and tried to start a business, but was stymied by realities like her business partner being a totally crazy and her dad being totally lame. Also, virtually anything with Blair. Because she is awesome, but also because she spends the whole season figuring out how to she wants her life to be. She tries on a committee here and a van der Bilt family wedding there, but you know, Blair’s no socialite. She’s not a Jackie O, she’s a Hillary. (I love that Serena meant that as a compliment.)

I think as critics and educated viewers and students of postmodernism, we get caught up in like “themes” and interpreting and noticing clever parallels and self-conscious winks at the audience (especially on a show like Gossip Girl). But at its core, this is a show about figuring out how to live your life – how to figure out which privileges to profit from and which ones to disown, how to literally exist in the world and be a self that you can live with. I don’t think this is fundamental to all stories, but it is definitely fundamental to televised serial melodramas.

The actual finale was pretty great for me as a fan – the best bit was how they put Blair in a 1920s dress for that striptease scene with Chuck, which was a great callback to Victrola, when she first took off the headband for him. I also like how they did the same “One week later” bit as last year, and that it turns out Gossip Girl lives in all of us, like Santa.

Getting back to point one though, I did read some complaints about the anticlimactic secret revelations at Nate’s grad party, where Blair’s boning Uncle Jack, and Chuck’s boning Vanessa, and Dan’s boning the English teacher, and Jenny’s brief, chaste toplessness, were all kind of just dropped in the air and then didn’t have any effect on the story at all. I sympathize with those people, because from the perspective of storytelling these things are half from left field and half examples of things they set up but never really did anything with (too many secrets!), but from the Gossip Girl perspective it’s amazing because it really underscores the show’s pattern from the beginning. The pattern is this, and I’m not going to give any examples because this is just me saying obvious stuff about the entire show: there are secrets. Someone is scared the secret will get out, because then Bad Things will happen. The secret gets out! Oh no! Everyone is mad and there is crazy drama for about five minutes and then whatever the secret was ceases to be a big deal. The finale just accelerated all the crazy drama so that it almost completely skipped it – but the fact of secrets and the keeping of secrets and most importantly, the way secrets completely lose their power when they stop being secrets is still at GG’s heart. It’s about how to live in the world, but the world it lives in is a world of constant surveillance, of constant, uncontrolled publicness, which is something new. Gossip Girl is about what happens when you totally cede privacy. What happens seems to be, it’s kind of freeing, apparently. You can try to fight it, like Serena suddenly decided to do – or you can just shrug it off. It goes with the territory, and Gossip Girl’s argument appears to be the loss of privacy that “Gossip Girl” (which stands for, like, the internet and social media and celebrity culture and everything else) makes you live through is worth it.

This is really where Dan is important. Before he actually met Serena, Dan was pretty content to be anonymous. But really, it’s like his life didn’t even start until Gossip Girl noticed him. You could certainly paint this kind of thing as negative message to be sending to teen girls, but is it really? Being scared of either what people will say or your concept of yourself as an outsider seems like a really stupid reason to avoid doing things that will make you happy, like dating a rich, beautiful girl or trying to have a successful life at the profession of your choosing.

I don’t really have a better conclusion than that, other than to point you to Foucault.

You know I love you!

*Though I think they court the Gawker-reading media nerd audience that watches sort of earnestly (because the show is actually good) but sort of ironically (because it is Gossip Girl) just as hard.

How fitting is it that Jenny’s whole downfall/uprising is all scored to cover songs? Last week she was dancing in her bra to “How Soon Is Now” (by T.a.t.u, awesomely) — and this week she was like, wearing a crazy hat and distributing polaroids with her phone number to society folks to “Sheena Is a Punk Rocker.”

Obviously I love all the Blue States Lose-ness of Agnes and gross RISD dude. It’s another kind of new celebrity being brought into the Gossip Girl fold, coexisting with the Tinsley Mortimers. Did you know Cory Kennedy was on 90210 early on? I am a little bit worried about little J, looking like an Avril Lavigne video with her shapeless sweater and all her eyeliner and her little suitcase. I’ve gotta say, I would probably run away too if my Dad totally tried to get me arrested in a misguided attempt to make me hit rock bottom.

I love that even Lily was like, uh, no Rufus. Rufus and Dan kept acting like this brilliant publicity stunt was like THE WORST MISTAKE JENNY COULD EVER MAKE, but you guys? She was on Page 6! All that was bad that happened was that some boring society gala was less boring! Even Lily was kind of awkwardly jamming to the tunes. Seriously, she took a risk, but it totally paid off.

It does kind of make sense in the weird way that nothing on this show makes sense, in that it’s all about the price you are willing to pay for your “success.” Rufus didn’t want to pay the price of his “personal integrity” to be more than a forgotten ’90s band; Lily kind of did sell herself out for a bunch of trust funds. She’s paying for that now, but she’s got galas being thrown for her and Rufus’s daughter just ran away and Dan led with “I finished my story” at breakfast. Jenny’s talent and chances are being contrasted with Rufus’s own choices — she’s making the hard choices he never could.

Of course, next week we’ll see her burning down a model home with her skeezy friends, and then she’ll apologize to everyone and be chastised or whatever.

In Blair related news, the Blair story was kind of meh. Leighton killed it, and the whole thing fit with the new sensitive Blair we saw last week, and I liked the kind of “sweet” moment where Chuck says he didn’t fuck a teenager in the back of his limo out of sentiment for her. I guess after last week’s big culmination of their whole love as a series of dramatic games storyline (not for nothing did This Recording’s Molly Lambert bust out Baudrillard there), we needed to give Blair and Chuck a rest.

And, Serena? Run away! Aaron is totally charming and switches between being really cute and kind of hideous in an entirely Westwickian way, but he is terrible! He was like, “I could tell you who that chick was in my apartment, or I could pretend that you’re just looking for reasons not to date me.” Uh, it is not looking for reasons not to date someone so much as ignoring clear warning signs. Seriously Guattari & Deloser is nothing but trouble.

This was kind of a so-so episode for my personal enjoyment, even if it wasn’t actually bad in many respects, mainly because it centred on Jenny and Dan, who are way less interesting than Blair and Serena, the actual stars of the show. But there were some moments of greatness, by which I mainly mean Chuck stealing Dan’s shoes.

So the first problem is that this episode is about Dan’s writing career, which is totally, comically, ridiculous in every way, since he is just a high school student who writes about his girl problems. On the one hand, I like that in Gossip Girl, even being a writer is about uncovering deeply-held secrets, which means it’s about knowledge-as-power dynamics, as opposed to actually having any imagination at all. However, Dan’s ridiculous writing career allowed Chuck to abandon him in the streets of New York with no wallet, no cellphone, and no shoes, so I think we’re even. You don’t eff with an effer, Dan.

Also, this scene is amazing in displaying Chuck’s casual contempt for Dan:

Chuck Bass-related aside: I am particularly disappointed in the whole “My dad hates me because he thinks I killed my mom in childbirth, so that’s why I am such an amazing dissolute teen dandy” angle. I am hoping that that’s just what Chuck tells people so they’ll feel bad for him, like the Joker’s series of different stories about how he got his scars.

Also, of interest is Lily’s deep dark secret, and the way that Bart stood behind her with the sexy elaborate necklace.

But I love how consistent and well-drawn the Blair-Serena relationship is on the show. This was totally the inevitable conclusion of the photoshoot in “Bad News Blair,” (Season 1, Ep. 4) where Eleanor picks Serena to model for her over her own daughter. I love the just, like, fundamental injustice of the fact that things just kind of come easy for Serena and that Blair has to bust her ass for everything, just as a function of their personalities or something. Especially since the actual prize of this competition is not actually a thing, it’s just this nebulous sense of being adored or something.

I further love, and I don’t think I have noted this, that every single thing in Blair Waldorf’s life is a beloved tradition that can’t be broken or altered in any way.

Did anyone else catch the Vitamin Water in the gift bags at Eleanor Waldorf’s show? Product placement as self-reference! LOL.

One, the hurt and humiliation on Blair’s face when Vanessa gives her the bad news re: Marcus and Duchess Shelley the waitress.

I love everything about that scene, from the fact that Blair is hurt and sad, not just by being cheated on, but by having to be told so by Vanessa Abrams, to the irony of her sunny dress.

Two, Chuck just floating around being creepy and manipulating people for no apparent reason. In a lilac suit!

“Cashing out so soon Humphrey?” “You really should wear a bell.” “Oh, I thought you’d be able to hear me miles away because my suit is so loud.”

Three, the ascendancy of Queen Serena.

That whole scene was so weird, how Serena takes her signature Chanel scarf headband off and ties it around Blair’s neck like that, and it goes along with a gesture of sympathy but it actually is totally like a secret signal of girl-dominance that only the initiated would understand.

So many levels of absurd and amazing.

Confession: though Dan is my least favourite character on the show, I’m unclear why “we have had this fight three times in a year” is a good reason to break-up, and I think a lot his supposed relationship problems would be solved if he would only stop making Serena apologize for her existence, I was still shockingly saddened by him and Serena’s break-up. When she leaves the elevator? And he’s all “I still” and she’s all “me too”? And the doors close?

I do have to confess that I’m excited by the previews that promise the return of Bad Girl Serena.

Moreover, I love that the show was smart enough to do Dan and Serena as celebrity breakup, complete with random fangirls coming up to them on the street to give them their opinion about their relationship. That scene was amazing. I think one of the things that Gossip Girl does, besides be pretty and funny, is to kind of stage this switch to a new normal, in which having no privacy is the way it is. Case in point: Dan’s conversation with Rufus where he was all “You’re still reading should-they-break-up threads, aren’t you?,” which contains two insights about the Gossip Girl universe that I find especially fascinating. One is that this means that Rufus is aware of the existence of Gossip Girl, a website that features breathless by-the-minute accounts of his children’s relationships and social lives, and two is that this does not utterly disturb him. OMFG indeed.

In other news, I acutally like Nate and Vanessa as a couple now, and my favourite part of Blair and Chuck’s dark-groping is when Lord Marcus asks “Did you really not know it was him?” And Blair completely realizes how preposterous the whole thing is and is all “No, I knew it was him.” The way she delivers that line is gold.

It’s not laughably bad, but it’s resoundingly mediocre, which is something that Blair Waldorf would never allow.

(via Jezebel)

Before I get to it, though, uh, Leighton’s making an album?! A music album? Oh, how I hope this is a lie; I don’t think I can deal with Blair Waldorf putting out a vanity project album, either of the Hayden Panettiere uncomfortable pop music writhing in high heels or of the Scarlett Johanssen pretentious Tom Waits cover, nuzzling Salman Rushdie variety.

First thing is, although I am really more of a Blair partisan, Serena was amazing this week. Not that Blair wasn’t (“Basshole”, heh). But Serena, I loved her reaction to Blair’s “It’s like Roman Holiday and I’m Gregory Peck” translating to Blair suddenly loving Marcus the British Lord even though she’s known him for like two seconds. Her reaction being basically “Okay, you love him; I will totally go along with your new, ridiculous scheme.” And even more, I loved S’s tapdancing to make sure everyone knew who everyone was when Nate walked into Blair’s party and saw Blair and Shelly the waitress, heretofore known as the Duchess (heh!). Words can’t describe it, the whole thing, and Gossip Girl’s “What’s this?” voiceover that follows; see the one minute mark in this video. Tee! Serena to the rescue with the information. It’s always about having the information on this show.

Also, poor Nate. He just wants someone to talk to, and apparently the only person he can find, besides Vanessa, who he basically abandons when he gets a better offer (because who wouldn’t), and it’s an old lady who basically turns him into an official whore. That is so much better than taking money from Chuck, his friend who loves him. Seriously, Nate is so pretty and tragic. It’s too bad Chace Crawford isn’t much of an actor.

I still don’t really care about Vanessa or the Rufus b-plot where he was like, “maybe I should abandon my children some more; oh wait, I love them!” Meh.

Images borrowed from Jaunted.

I still enjoyed everything involving Chuck and Blair, because they are still pretty and hilarious. They get the best dialogue, and basically are the best, so I will continue to watch their on-again, off-again relationship for as long as possible. Best: the scene where Blair makes sure Chuck sees her heart on “James”’s sleeve, and then she immediately takes it back with that whole “I didn’t feel a thing” cold-hearted awesome. Second-best: Chuck and Nate and Eric playing croquet while they scheme to uncover the truth about “James” (who turned out to be, as Gawker puts it “British McSeersucker”).

Also entertaining was Nate’s secret affair with Shelly the waitress. I hope Leo doesn’t catch them!

In terms of the show though, this is the kind of stupid thing Nate would do, and it involved him jumping out a window in his boxer shorts! I hope it doesn’t last too long though; the whole secret affair should come out in like the third episode, with a minimum of man angst, since no one really cares about Nate’s problems anyway.

The worst parts were all the maneuvering required to get Dan and Jenny to the Vitamin Water White Party in the Hamptons. Jenny basically calls up Eric and is like: “Hey so can we be friends again even though I was totally awful to you when we were dating the same dude? And I felt really bad about it but I didn’t actually reach out and become friends with you again until I wanted something from you? So now you can help me advance my fashion design career, okay?” And Eric is like “I am adorable and I have no idea why I should forgive and/or help you in any way, but I will, for some reason!”

And then Grandma van der Woodsen (actually Grandma Rhodes, but whatever) is like “magic cancer made me suddenly not an awesome snobby alcoholic bitch anymore, so I will suddenly help Dan and Serena get back together again, even though last year I was totally an obstacle to their whole ‘different worlds’ relationship.” Grandma looked lovely all episode though.

I continue to enjoy the pretty fake teenagers and their adventures in attending parties with a minimum of adult supervision, and to think that cheerfulness and exclamation points are the best way to do so! (Well, that and Foucault).

1. Labyrinth of Passions (Pedro Almodóvar, 1982): This is Almodóvar’s second film, when he still was a wacky, trashy punk. How many Academy Award-winning directors have appeared in their own films, in drag, performing a New Wave song that if I’m not mistaken is partly about having sex with rats in the sewer? I’m guessing not very many.
2. Waiting For Guffman (Christopher Guest, 1996): I had never seen this, but I had seen Best In Show. This is better. It actually really reminded me of the best episodes of The Office, because you have the mockumentary factor, the fact that these are people whose lives you don’t necessarily envy and whose denials you can see through, but there’s still something really beautiful about them. I really loved the one guy on town council or whatever who was just completely enraptured with Corky.
3. Southland Tales (Richard Kelly, 2007): Okay, I’m not going to lie. This isn’t (as I’d hoped), a secret masterpiece. It’s not a good movie. Some parts of the story still don’t make sense, and not in a “man, this movie’s so complex” way, in a “there is no explanation for this chain of events” way. I was kind of okay with that, because all the porn stars and Marxists and WWIII and the oil running out and the scary government internet surveillance and the Rock being wrapped up in this big, sprawling messy narrative where everyone in the movie ends up riding a zeppelin kind of captures something real about the culture, even if I do think it was at least half accidental. But, more importantly, it’s a hell of a lot of fun. Every scene with Sarah Michelle Gellar is comedy gold (I’d really forgotten ho funny she is); and obviously all the Amy Poehler and Cheri Oteri stuff was also actually funny, because Richard Kelly was all up with the political satire, but he still seemed to get that a lot of “Marxists” are really lame. For me though, the highlight was definitely Justin Timberlake, scarred and on drugs, lipsynching to “All These Things That I’ve Done” and pouring beer all over himself. Don’t ask me why.
   
4. Romance & Cigarettes (John Turturro, 2006): This is another neo-musical (which Southland Tales almost is), with actors singing along with old songs that express their feelings, and the ways that the musical sections, which start out clearly coded as fantasy, kind of seep into the world of the movie a bit. This one is strange, but it’s actually worth seeing. There’s an amazing cast (James Gandolfini, Susan Sarandon, Kate Winslet, Steve Buscemi, Mandy Moore, Mary-Louise Parker, Amy Sedaris, etc), it’s set in a working-class neighbourhood, it’s really depressing, and I have been thinking a lot about pop cultural nostalgia, of which this movie is a really interesting example. It’s like Woody Allen movies, in that it’s apparently set in the present day, but all the references are about a generation too old for everyone.